An Endless search

Caution : Below things are written in a very depressed state of mind, so don't go ahead if you cant handle it. ( Don't blame me in the end, if you didn't get head or tail of it.)

A search, which has no end, I feel. I read and read many books, watched TV, spoke to people around but deep inside really not interested. It’s just a mundane task being performed for keeping my mind diverted. Mind is also funny; it comes back to the same old question. When? Where? Will this search lead to!! This search has taken me to different places, cities and countries but still I am thirsty, and each time much more than before. Will my thirst be quenched in this decade?? How long before I move on like this like an aimless soul. Sometimes I don’t know what I am searching for. Sometimes I feel I have found it, but the same moment I feel I have lost more than I have got. Why is this feeling not ending?? Why is it haunting everywhere I go? I play and play till this body tires out. But the thirst doesn’t end here. This thirst makes me nauseated a times. Some days it even brinks me to the well but my sanity steps in and I stop myself. Is life only this search or there is more to it. I don’t have answers. If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this. Somewhere deep fear exists, it awakens every now and then. The fear that I have lost everything and the fear of loosing more keeps me in sanity. I don’t know what to accept and what not to accept. Only I know this search is endless and from here I see only darkness. But there is a hand, there is a face, which assures me every now and then that everything will be all right in due course of time. I have everything but still I feel empty. Very empty I mean, its just leaves me bloated with my thoughts, my sanity and deep down my fear. What is life I asked? And I got the answer, it is bringing smile on some one else. This life, which is to serve the almighty, a chance we may not get again, but we loose it all the more. Strange is life when I don’t get my kind of answers. Lost and bruised, will I be able to get up and even if I do get up, will this world let me live the way I dreamt of it?? Fear of not even being able to try leaves me all the more isolated and obsessed of my fear. Overcoming it will take few days or few months or I don’t know really. All I know this search is endless.