Something to smile about

Life is giving me some moments to smile about

But this heart is not satisfied

As it wants to smile every moment of this life

But this life is not giving me those moments

So for now, I am treasuring those small moments

As I don’t know, when I will need them 

to make me smile again. 

Interviews

I hate that word itself now. I don't dread it like I use to before, cos I have being to so many interviews now but with no luck on my side!!! After every interview,I use to sit and think what went wrong?? (Self help books always said that!!) They always said don't get upset over being rejected, just try to learn from them and don't do the same mistake next time. And mostly I screwed up with Technical rounds. With great difficulty I use to clear THE APTITUDE round (if I was lucky!!). And then came the most dreadful of all THE TECHNICAL round. Only once in my lifetime I have being very lucky to clear that and thats when I had landed on my first job!!! It felt like cloud 9.And I wanted to jump and dance and throw a party for getting my first job. It all seems like yesterday.But a long time has passed by!! And funnily my first job didn't require much of a technical work at all. So I wondered what was all the need of a technical job and moreover we get a training too on the job which we are going to be doing. Soon I got into another job, which was all seemingly too good to be true at that time. But I was just okay with it. Not very elated nor too sad. It was just a chore and was being paid more than I received previously. So it was all good. But you see, life is not perfect cake walk as we all want it to be. Every good story has a bad part, so did mine! otherwise story is not good everything happens good. So there I was always grumbling about not getting the pay I always wanted or demanded I should say!! And it started on to become frustrating with me and my job and my life. And I wanted a change, a change for good, a change for good life style. Was fed up of travelling in a crowded bus everyday, fed up of my boss not being very happy with my work and fed up of my food and life style. I will tell you what I use to feel. I use to feel I am the most poorest person on earth.I cant stop laughing at that statement I just made But yes I use to feel that. I mean I hated the clothes which I use to wear, those damn salwar kameez!!! It made me sick. I know I could buy new clothes and feel good. But I never had enough money. Salary use to come and it use to go on paying house bills and food,transport and other extra eating stuff and some insurance thing!! So I wanted more out of life as I was leading a very dull and frustrated life by then. So I took a biggest plunge and resigned. And yes its going to be 1 year next month. I feel like laughing and suiciding at the same time. As I am sitting at home still waiting for some miracle to happen now. I mean till last month, I never felt that I did the wrong thing. But this world and my condition at present has taught me that I had made the wrong decision.But sadly nothing can be done about it now. Its all in the past and I can just regret or cry or feel suicidal.Like good and smart people, I should have resigned only if I had another job in hand. But like a dumbass, I quit before finding another job. Cos I had wrongly assumed, that I would be in job within 3 months or so.
Life isn't that bad for me presently except I don't have a job.The JOBLESS tag has being stuck to me. But other than that, life is really good. I am staying with my parents and obviously have good food and good lifestyle.I mean I feel good with all those good things around, good clothes, good food and wine. And a loving boy friend and my tv serials and yes my novels.They all have being good. But still somewhere I do feel empty and it will be only complete when I have a job.

Okay enough of my melodramatic life story, I have forgotten the initial topic "Interview". Yeah that brings me to the most recent interview I had attended for a teaching post. Oh yeah I hate teaching, its just something than doing nothing I thought. Mom got the form for me. And after reading it, I was like forget it, I am not going to get selected. There are 3 rounds and I am sure I won't cross the 1st round itself. But still for every ones sake, I filled in the form and submitted.1st round being THE APTITUDE test, I was very cool. After writing it, I was like I am doomed, why the hell in the first place did I think of it!! After few days, results came that I cleared it!! I couldn't believe it, I thought may be the lady luck is after all with me. And then the next round was CRM ( Class room management) test. I was very sure I wouldn't clear this, as I had to take classes with students and teachers present to monitor us.And we had to use all those teaching aids for the demo to secure more marks and prepare a report about it. And the report had to be hand written. And we had being given just one day to prepare for our lessons and other stuff. So here I was stuck with all the chart papers and paper cutting and sketch pens surrounding me. And I am lost between them. At one time I was writing the report,next moment I am cutting out shapes and next I am confused what I am going to teach and how would I go about it. And it became 4am in the morning by the time I wrapped up everything. Next day, full prepared and slightly nervous I gave the demo with all the students and teachers present. It all seemed okay except that I couldn't handle the 2nd grade boys who were trying to act very smart and naughty at the same time. Enough of the drama, after few days, results came and I cleared it. Finally hard work paid off and that feeling of lady luck is shinning felt good. Next I had to just go for one final PERSONAL INTERVIEW round. I hate that round too cos here they grill you as though your not worthy of a person to be living on this planet earth!! After that round, you start feeling as though your the most dumbass presesnt on this earth and you are better off doing a clerical job than trying to becoming something else!! Okay so being like a good candidate, I prepared myself for the questions that will usually one will ask, like "Tell me about yourself", "why do you want to do this job" or etc. So here I enter the room with a panel of teachers and principals waiting to grind me off were seated in their respective chairs. Totally 4 people were present.
Principal : What subjects would you prefer??
Moi : Either computers or maths.
Princi : Why does the stars twinkle??
Moi (pauses for a moment and then full confidently answers): Stars don't twinkle,they just appear to be twinkling as they are far off.
Princi : Is there some science behind it??
Moi (wondering what science) : silence so as to not embarrass any one!!
Princi : why do people wear light color clothes in summer and dark color clothes in winter??
Moi(fully confused with the question and still confidently answering): Since light color clothes absorb less heat, we wear them in summer and dark color clothes in winter as it absorbs heat from the sun and keeps us warm. (the princi wasn't very happy with my answers as it showed on his face).
Princi : you are not very good with the subjects!
Moi : I will try to do my best if given a chance

Okay that was just a part of my interview which seemed funny to me and the rest part I have omitted as they were not-very funny parts. And after coming home, I declared to every one that I am not going to be lucky this time and I won't clear it at all. And then the results came out after few days and it turned out this time my lady luck wasn't shinning at all!! So this teaching chapter is over and become a past. And decided that teaching was a bad idea after all.

Now you know why interviews are so dreadful, they give you hope at each stage and finally when you reach the cliff, they push you off from it. Thats the way of life I have learned. No point of feeling suicidal cos every one has a bad day and in my case it's being a bad year and a bad decision. And I try to look at the good things in my life and count my blessings that god has showered on me.

And I hope I haven't bored you all with such a long post.

An Endless search

Caution : Below things are written in a very depressed state of mind, so don't go ahead if you cant handle it. ( Don't blame me in the end, if you didn't get head or tail of it.)

A search, which has no end, I feel. I read and read many books, watched TV, spoke to people around but deep inside really not interested. It’s just a mundane task being performed for keeping my mind diverted. Mind is also funny; it comes back to the same old question. When? Where? Will this search lead to!! This search has taken me to different places, cities and countries but still I am thirsty, and each time much more than before. Will my thirst be quenched in this decade?? How long before I move on like this like an aimless soul. Sometimes I don’t know what I am searching for. Sometimes I feel I have found it, but the same moment I feel I have lost more than I have got. Why is this feeling not ending?? Why is it haunting everywhere I go? I play and play till this body tires out. But the thirst doesn’t end here. This thirst makes me nauseated a times. Some days it even brinks me to the well but my sanity steps in and I stop myself. Is life only this search or there is more to it. I don’t have answers. If I had, I wouldn’t be writing this. Somewhere deep fear exists, it awakens every now and then. The fear that I have lost everything and the fear of loosing more keeps me in sanity. I don’t know what to accept and what not to accept. Only I know this search is endless and from here I see only darkness. But there is a hand, there is a face, which assures me every now and then that everything will be all right in due course of time. I have everything but still I feel empty. Very empty I mean, its just leaves me bloated with my thoughts, my sanity and deep down my fear. What is life I asked? And I got the answer, it is bringing smile on some one else. This life, which is to serve the almighty, a chance we may not get again, but we loose it all the more. Strange is life when I don’t get my kind of answers. Lost and bruised, will I be able to get up and even if I do get up, will this world let me live the way I dreamt of it?? Fear of not even being able to try leaves me all the more isolated and obsessed of my fear. Overcoming it will take few days or few months or I don’t know really. All I know this search is endless.

You are the darkness in the night....

.... which comforts me into sleep even in troubles.

I can't seem to write!!!

Hmmmm well I am writing the above title so that I will be able to publish this post before I change my mind again. I rarely visit my own blog. Seldom I think of writing a new post. But it just remains a thought in my small little memory. Past few days, I have had ten to fifteen topics to write about , during those sleepless nights. But next day, It all seems vague, which ultimately results in "no post"! I have had thousand reasons for not writing a post but now they all seem useless.I use to type the Title and then just loose the interest to write,it happened so many times, I don't know why.

I can't believe it!!! I have typed in so many sentences in a matter of 15minutes, may be the title has really helped me out. Or else I would be again lying around thinking why I haven't being able to publish a post!! Hope I haven't bored you with my silly ramblings, its just a phase which I need to move on.....

Life is special and we can mold it as we want.I use to believe that happiness lies in getting those big things which we really want like job,money and etc etc. But happiness is just above that, may be I can't explain it. Its just something I have felt these days. Happiness is just around the corner,one needs to just look around.

Random ramblings, Tidbits, elections and Untold Stories

Knock Knock!! Where are you gone??

Anybody in house?? Missing from a long time!!

My reply: Yeah I am here and was hibernating in this summer, waiting for the prince charming to arrive. Couldn’t help, I seriously couldn’t write anything in such a long time. Call it the "laziness" or “love is in the air” factor, that everything else seemed less important. ( Giggling with guilt ).

So elections are coming up and it looks like, everyone is playing dirty this time. Every one is either hurling accusation at each other or self-praising themselves or their own so-called party. But the biggest surprise was from Mulayam Singhs Samajwadi Party’s manifesto, which stated, “No English and No Computers”!! Watching the news, I was laughing so hard, that some people around thought I am watching a laughter show or something. Common isn’t it funny? How can you have such a manifesto?? But after all we are in India, and anything is possible here, if we let the leaders make the rules and as it is they are playing by the rules of the money. In mumbaiya language if I say, “Sab Kuch Chalta hai, yeh hai India meri Jaan”!!

Enough about politics of our country, we will know soon enough, who is going to lead our country in the coming months, so guys and gals, who have the power of voting, please go ahead and vote as every single vote counts, and it does make a difference. Visit each parties manifesto and choose the right leader, its all upto us now.

By the ways, I forgot to inform you all, the untold stories met with a new twist recently, yeah yeah, it has become like one Ekta Kapoor serial. Sneha realized how egoistic she had being and begged naveen for forgiveness. Naveen being the good sweet boy has readily accepted her and they are singing songs “kitni mohabbat hai….kitani mohabbat hai…..” Now Sneha is waiting for a perfect opportunity to talk with her parents about Naveen, so that they can fulfill their dreams together. Will let you know soon, if their parents agreed or not!!! So for time being, please pray for them. But one thing is for sure, like SRK dialogues:

“Agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaaho

to poori kaynath use tumse milane ki koshish main lag jaati hai.

Hamare filmon ki tarah

hamari zindagi mein bhi

end tak sab kuch theek hi ho jata hai

aur agar theek na ho, to woh The End nahin.”

See how Naveen's wish came true. So friends, picture abhi bakhi hai. Wish for something you have always wanted, and guess what, sometimes the wish does really come true. And guys I shall drop in every ones blog soon. And by the ways, I am quitting from here and moving to Mumbai. I know its recession time and all that, but seriously I need to move. I am taking a risk. If we really want something in life, we need to take a risk. So wish me good luck!!

Insatiable Soul

Isnt it strange?
We all are in the pursuit of happiness
and to claim these happiness,
we go through all the negative aspects of life
and sometimes bring miseries to ourselves.
So much for the happiness.
Same vicious circles
Sadness, Jealousy, Frustration, Selfishness, Envy, Loneliness, Anger, Pain, Greediness, Lust and Hatred all engulfs you.
But we still move on
for the sole reason,
that we believe / hope that some day we would get our share of happiness too.
Human being can never be content after all
Insatiable Soul as they call it!!

Living in present

How to keep moving on ....,when you know there is only pain in the end?

Time heals everything they say......

In the matters of heart and destiny, i don't know what to believe...

Trying very hard to live in present....

finally 2008 is going to get over

i havent being around lately for a long time. Yes i have been being busy going to bangalore every week and now tired, but again got to travel this week as well.
I got no expectations of this coming year, its going to be same like this year, only negative things happen and they may keep happening again in the coming days. so no excitement at all about the coming days.
Lets see what more fate has written, as that has to happen.
These days i have been seeing this mynah bird more frequently, yes i use to not believe in them before, but lately things keep happening that im forced to believe.
Saying goes like this:

If you see one mynah bird, it symbolizes sorrow
If you see two mynah birds, it symbolizes joy
And if you see three mynah birds, it symbolizes journey.

And lately i have been getting to see only one mynah bird, and the day has to go bad as expected.
Sorry cant end this day in a positive note. Bye bye 2008.
God bless all.

Sleepy

I am feeling sleepy...yes that too just 10 in the morning, that also after having fresh bath and reached office by dangling in that bus!!! But right now, just too lazy to sit and do any work also, thought will write a post to keep myself little bit awake!! But i dont have any topics for now. so thats all for now, will write something when i am pretty awake!

Every morning

Every morning, i never feel like getting up early. I will be wondering how it became morning so fast, i had slept just few minutes back, how can the sun rise so fast?? every night I keep alarm for 6:30am.
6:30 am: Alarm rings!!! Unfortunately i never hear it!! So still fast asleep.....
7:00 am: I hear few sounds, some sound from the kitchen, so i never open my eyes, thinking its my dream.
7:25am: I open my eyes, and seeing the brightness, will be wondering where i am??
7:35am: I get up, still drowsy, fold my bedsheets, and seeing the time in my mobile, i go back to sleep for 5 mins.
8:00am: I slowly again check the time in my mobile, Oh great!! (telling myself, get up and move!!)
But still body refuses to budge, convincing myself for 2 more minutes of sleep and i promise myself to getup after 2 minutes!!
8:10am:A wake up call by cousin, screaming at me "You have holiday today??"
Again lazily i check my mobile for the time and then move myself out of the bed.
8:30am i am suppose to leave from house for office to reach at 9:00 !!!
8:12am: Full speed i brush, take bath, pray, eat my breakfast and pack my tiffin, soak clothes for washing and 8:45am i leave the house!!
On the way, i remember i have forgotten somethings!! So run back home, collect the things and run behind the bus!!
Somehow in my grumpy state i reach the office and as usual i am late always, and i take a oath that tomorrow i shall get up early, which till date i have never fulfilled!

fINALLY DECISION HAS BEEN made

yes yes i have decided i am not leaving this place and continue to struggle here itself. lets see after four months something may happen. so im not going to quit. cos i know i m going to regret after a while. Basically i dont have guts, thats all i can say. Actually being a gal, i have the advantage of staying at home, but still my conscience doesnt allow me to stay at home. So lets struggle for some months and keep my ego aside for some days... fingers crossed still cos i have one more new struggle coming up....

Decision and confusion time

it feels like a month is over since i blogged, but i think i jst blogged on diwali for the sake of blogging. Recently i have been out of topics.So didnt know what to post, and i didnt want to create one more meaningless post (already 2 meaningless post have been done by moi). so i didnt want to do that again.now a days i only read other peoples blog and was thinking what to write for my blog. so other day i and my frnd venus were thinking that we would cut paste email forwards which we recieve as it has meaningful and funny messages. ( too lazy to write on any topic)

Now dont get irritated if u find this post also meaningless. Let me begin for now, a lot has been happening in my life, never assumed that things would change so soon. No no i am not geting married, its just i am going to shift to a new destination this time which i have always wanted to shift to but i fear the outcome of it, so there is still a confusion on that matter.

Shifting means i would require to leave my JOB, and my only fear right now is that if in the new destination i would get a job or not. These fear of being jobless haunts me (cos i have being jobless for almost 1 year), so i know how it is, sitting at home and thinking how other unintelligent people (morons) are getting jobs and WHY am I not getting a job?????

But shifting also meanns, change of my dentist, which would also be a big thing as i am undergoing a treatment.

Starting a whole new life in a whole new city, is going to be tremondous learning and it requires patience and sometimes you end up comparing both the cities( ur ex-city and your new city) and then you start regretting.All this requires a decision and then wait for the result...tada...it either flops or success. if it is a success, then you are all happy and extremely happy BUT if at all it FLops, then gone, then there is no end of regretting and being sad and upset and asking GOD "WHY ME?".... so being insatiable....im turning the tables this time again....cos anywyas life doesnt comes with guarantees, so until i take risks, i wont feel LIFE....so enjoying every moment of this decision making process.....fingers crossed..hoping for the best :) and i am sure my life will change in the coming months...only i dont know if its for the good or for the bad.....yes im trying to be optimistic but my nature doesnt allow me, so full scared....lets see what happens in the coming days.........fingers crossed still

dEPRESSED soul

well I'm back , and my holidays are over. And i am thinking of renaming this blog as "DepressedSoul". I am depressed with the way things are turning out. And as they say, all worse thing happen at once. same is happening with me. Like all, even i don't know my future, and I'm scared of the consequences. There are too many things running in my head, its as though they are battling among themselves, "who gets the highest priority?". Until i figure out, what to do next..... i guess i will remain depressed. Its fun to announce that I'm depressed but yes i cant show in my outward appearance that I'm depressed, its only for me to see and bare it, the hidden fears that creep into you and make you sleepless and hoping this would end soon, but it doesn't end over there.
Yes we all go through it, and as they say, that until we go through the sufferings or pain, we don't realize how important life is! So we need to accept the pain and sufferings and sorrows, all at once, Cos accepting it heals you in some way, but i really lack patience , so I'm not in a mood for philosophy, but solace and i don't think i will find it soon...

Small things in life

There are many small moments in our life, which may never come back again but they still remain in our memories....some sweet and some bitter....but they become a part of you, as you move on with your life. Those school days, when my mom use to walk me to school, and i use to always think that some day i would go to school in "CAR". When my elder cousins use to write in "Hero Pens"..i had a big desire of using those pens for writing instead of a pencil. I use to write letters to the moon to come down and take me for a ride to the stars. Infact i had bribed the moon by placing some sweets with the letter and buried it under the ground, so that no one can else can touch it. Those grandma stories, whenever i felt like hearing one, grandma would recite them. Those ciggrate chocolates, hiding and puffing them as though we are grown up and behaving like elders. Kitchen set collection and those barbie doll houses, cooking and playing all the time. But now i seem to run off from kitchen itself, it gives me all the possible creeps. Those childhood days are the golden days, running around in frocks and during diwali, we have a competion who will crack the most number of crackers? Sharing tiffin boxes in school and sometimes running to teacher to complain about the stolen compass box!!! i guess we all never grow up. cant stop complaining now also....there are many more small things and i guess without them, we would never be complete.....